On Understanding The 'Love Language' of Creative Intimacy
What happens when two creatives build a life together? Donney Rose reflects on 20 years with his wife, Leslie, and the joys, challenges and growth that come from sharing a relationship rooted in creativity, collaboration and mutual support.
Donney Rose and Leslie D. Rose at Pensacola Beach in Florida. (Photo by: Donney Rose)
Creative intimacy is defined as the shared experience of collaborating, imagining and building something together. It is characterized as a kind of intimacy that goes beyond emotional or physical closeness by allowing partners to express their passions, share vulnerabilities through the creative process and step out of daily routines to construct shared goals or projects.
This August marks 20 years of my being in relationship with my wife, Leslie, and the month of May commemorates 17 years of marriage. The woman I share my life with is a poet, journalist, photographer, aficionado of funk, soul, R&B and hip-hop, astrology expert, crystals purchasing and “neo-hippie” — she is also a super practical university administrator.
Donney Rose and Leslie D. Rose at their wedding on May 16, 2009. (Photo by Keston Bernard Lyons)
Our relationship is layered in multiple ways, but perhaps the most nuanced layer is the creative intimacy we share. We met each other for the first time at a Latin night, became familiar with each other at a weekly live brass band show and built a deeper connection at a poetry reading when, through her sharing a poem about her deceased mother, we learned that both of our mothers died in the same year and had been the same age. The first time we practiced creative intimacy in our relationship was within a few months of dating when we wrote and performed a duet poem in tribute to our late mothers.
We have bonded through that specific type of closeness in immeasurable ways, and it has at times created tension beyond the normal ways that conflict arises among couples.
Being in a committed relationship with a creative person while also being creative has its complexities. When Leslie and I offer each other critique on writings, ideas, or anything right-brain-driven, it is often a task of navigating between honest feedback and consideration of each other’s feelings as life partners. Neither of us has always felt good about the way we respond to each other’s creative endeavors or ideas.
We have, however, always prioritized supporting each other’s creativity because we recognize that it, if nothing else, is the one thing we both came into our relationship with and that the pursuit of our artistic goals is non-negotiable.
Over the years, Leslie and I have served as each other’s co-counsel, advisers, creative coaches and feedback sounding boards for a variety of endeavors. When I wanted to create a conference centered around Black arts, activism and media, Leslie assigned herself to the organizing committee.
Donney Rose and Leslie D. Rose at the inaugural Black Out Loud Conference in August 2018. (Photo by: Black Out Loud Conference, LLC.)
When Leslie wanted to launch a photography project centered around health awareness and the impact of invisible illness, I was a consultant who provided her creative insight and sat on her advisory board.
The Picture of Health Invisible Illness exhibit in Baton Rough during May 2019. (Photo by: The Picture of Health)
Amid helping each other with those and other creative endeavors, we were still paying bills together, taking vacations together, consoling each other when losing loved ones, working our way back from arguments that felt like finality and sharing a life that existed outside of the kaleidoscope of our imaginations.
We have certainly not always gotten everything right regarding how we have treated each other during the creative process. Her meticulous Taurus nature and my gregarious Leo nature have often been in conflict when advising each other on the minutiae of what we want to present to the world, how we should present it and what audiences would be most receptive to our individual offerings.
But my evolution and overall growth as an artistic professional have deeply benefitted from having a partner with whom I share creative intimacy. Even when I have been stubborn in deferring to Leslie’s counsel, or have been mildly resistant to an idea she presented that I know is better than my own, it has still proven more favorable to my outcomes to accept her wisdom when it was applicable.
Being partnered with another creative/artist is not always for the faint of heart, and navigating the sensitivities that are innate in both you and your partner is vital to distinguishing between your partner, the visionary and your partner, the person who is pissed about you leaving dishes in the sink.
But love is in many ways a creative practice that requires imagination, discipline and constructive criticism to sustain itself. I have loved and built within a union that is accented by shared creative intimacy.
And I would not love any other way.
